Don and Cathy Hinds

Marriage on the Mission Field

Marriage on the mission field…or should I say, staying married on the mission field…is a challenge destined to victory if we follow the Savior’s instructions. That sounds easy, but obviously according to statistics of failing marriages in the body of Christ in general, it must be harder to do than it sounds.

There are extra challenges that a missionary couple face, especially if their mission is located in an isolated area without friends with whom they share things in common like language, interests, problems, prayer, or worship. When a family leaves for the foreign field, there certainly is a void that really and truthfully only God can fill. Sometimes we don’t see it right away because we are all excited to finally get to the field after the weariness of deputation, selling it all, and so forth. The glory of being on the field and learning a new language, the excitement and glamour of a new culture… this wears off. The emptiness catches up with us, and we must deal with it. Culture shock is real and puts stress on a marriage. We can try to fill the void with other things, but only fellowship with our Father God, abiding in Christ our Best Friend, our Great Savior and the Holy Spirit who lives in us and guides us will do the job. So we might as well get that straight from the get go. We must examine what true fellowship with Christ is, the submission to abiding in Christ that we learn so wonderfully in John 15. We must learn that only in God, by His wisdom and strength, will we be able to endure the hardships that come upon any marriage, but especially on the foreign field.  It’s best if couples desiring to go the foreign field have this understanding before they head out for deputation.

Let me write this as someone who has been on the brink of marital destruction but has been delivered by the amazing mercy, love, grace, and excellent loving kindness of our Great Savior. Also I give thanks to my really good and patient husband… I so admire his kindness. We just celebrated our 38^th anniversary; that only could have happened by God’s grace.

Over the past years our missionary friends have followed God on to other missions, leaving us here in Guatemala with no English-speaking friends with whom we can share our burdens, or fellowship with, or celebrate holidays... So what should I do?  Try to make my husband fill in the gap, dump all my burdens on him, expect him to understand how I feel (which how could a guy possibly know how I feel anyway), have pity parties, justify eating too much chocolate and being depressed when he doesn’t understand, accuse him of not being what he should be for me? And there’s more… allowing myself to be moody, spiritually weak, justifying not doing what I ought to do when I ought to do it, taking it all out on him like it’s all his fault… boo-hoo, poor me. I finally realized that I was having expectations of him that God did not call him to do for me. I was having a real “walking in the flesh” party… Well, I can tell you for sure those parties are no fun; you don’t want to be there. To say the least, my attitude did not get a positive loving response from my husband. I’m not accepting any more invitations to those parties. God by His grace has shown me a better way. I needed to change my ways, trade my pride in for a humble heart and let God teach me and help me as I abide in Him.

 What is love? …ya gotta have it to give it! I learned that physical attraction or sweetie pie emotion (however pleasant) is not enough; it is certainly temporal. We really must continue in the love of Jesus (John 15:9) which is eternal, to make a marriage work. We receive love from Him and we in turn learn how to give it out. If we don’t receive it from Him, we don’t have it to give. We are commanded to love God and one another; God’s word teaches us how. We must love God’s word if we really love God, John 14:21-23. I don’t know how many times I have been on the verge of sin and a still small voice said to my heart, “Do you really love Me, daughter? Then apply My word in Psalm 119:165 to this offense.” Another place that the Holy Spirit continues to help me when I’m on the brink of sin is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, as that still small voice quotes those scriptures to my heart.  He helps me to realize and confess my pride and selfishness, which are the root of all of my contentions in my marriage. If I applied the grace and truth of these scriptures to the situations in my marriage, I would not be contentious but more like Christ. It’s all about Him anyway and it’s all His glory.  I decided that I wanted to love my husband with the love of Christ, His way, His glory, not for my own selfish gain.   

Developing good habits at the start of each day literally saves the day in our marriage.

1.         Praising and thanking God, asking God for a positive thankful attitude for my husband at the start of each day, dedicating my life to His pleasure and my husband’s. This can only be done with a submitted heart abiding in Christ.

2.         Praying the prayer of Psalm 139:23-24 so God will examine my thoughts and heart and reveal to me that which displeases Him, and then asking Him to lead through the steps of this day, making my heart tender, so I avoid sin before I fall into temptation.

3.         Praying for my husband as a godly wife, making the decision to walk in submission to his authority with patience, without pride, but ready to help. I needed to realize the importance of being a good example to those who are watching, Titus 2:3-5. 

4.         To be there for my husband but without expectations. Psalm 62: 5 “My soul, wait thou only upon God for my expectation is from him”. I cannot expect him to do what God has promised to do; I must let my husband be my husband and let God be God.

5.         To learn to laugh and enjoy life with my husband with a grateful, happy attitude, which doesn’t come easily to my melancholy personally.  I’m learning to let my pleasure be in making life a pleasure for him.

6.         I must train my mind to cast out wrong thoughts and lies immediately with the power of the truth of 2 Corinthians 10:5, and then fill my thoughts with the loveliness of Philippians 4:8, renewing my mind in Ephesians 4:23.

7.         I must train my mouth to speak with charity, the bond of perfectness, and to keep my word.

8.         I must realize that unconditional love does not allow a critical spirit, which comes only from pride.

The hope and success of our marriage lies in the power of the abiding Christ within me and my abiding in Him. To God only wise be glory through Jesus Christ forever.